Being me.

Arta started a whole train of thought this morning when she talked about 'needing people'.  At first I only wanted to leave a comment on her blog, but it turned into a few paragraphs and I wisely decided to spare her the embarrassment of leaving a letter as a comment.

Most people need other people to confirm that they exist, and to provide a reason for living.  Society needs people to depend on people, to provide for people, to stay with people, to interact with people, to fit in with other people.  Safety in numbers, survival of the species, security, familiarity; all things that are associated with groups.

Technology changed this picture for most people.  For most people it provides a constant sense of 'belonging'.  Even when completely alone, they are still connected and part of a few groups via facebook, twitter, email and cellphone calls.  They can interact with people on a moment's notice, ask help or provide it, feel the satisfaction of connecting and influencing another human's life for the better, without a lot of physical effort.  Most people even seem to prefer this type of interaction over the old-fashioned way of physically interacting with other people.

Maybe it is because you can physically stop a person from leaving when you ignore him for a few seconds, but if the person on the other end of the screen or phone is bored, you may never hear from him/her again.  That person may be impossible to find again, so you try to strengthen the link between you, knowing that the person physically with you is easier to pacify.

Others use this same technology to interact even less with other people, using the information others share without any interaction at all.  Millions of people never develop the social skills most take for granted, because they no longer have the need to acquire them.  Technology is a tool, and you make use of it in a way that suits you, even when it does not make any sense at all to another user of the same technology.

What does all this have to do with the need for other people?  Quite a lot.  People always need other people, if only to look down on them.  Technology enable people to have a bit more choice in the type and quality of interaction they have with others.  People needing to interact with other people with most of their senses use technology to find the correct person and time to do this.  This enable them to interact for longer periods in the correct environment.

The same happens with people that only need to hear others, or to share ideas with a like-minded group of people.  Why spend most of the time trying to find the correct environment to be yourself if you can just use technology to do this search much faster?  Even better is when you widen your horizons and find new and interesting ways to enhance your life, to change your perception, to enjoy life.

Most people forget that life is all about experiencing life.  We compare our experiences with the lives of celebrities that are set as a goal to reach; we scrutinize the lives of people that we then try to emulate because they appear happier than we are.  We spend most of our time and effort trying to become somebody and something else.  Unfortunately technology is the culprit here, because it allow us to take a closer look at the way other people live, without showing us all the sacrifices they make to achieve it.  It shows us the end-result without all the hard work that went into it, creating unrealistic expectations.

Most people forget that we need other people to share experiences with.  We do not need to emulate them, we do not need confirmation or approval or directives or wisdom or information from them, we need them to share a moment.  They need us for the same reason, and it is much easier to remember this when you are not bombarded with all kinds of different information and ideas and viewpoints and emotions and tricks to provide somebody else with some kind of satisfaction.

Everything is about me.  The fact that I sometimes experience great satisfaction in helping somebody else does not mean that I am a good person, it just means that I am more inclined to do this type of thing more often.  The fact that I experience even more satisfaction when achieving something that only satisfies me, does not mean I am a bad person, it just means that I am more inclined to act that way.  Even getting satisfaction from the suffering of others does not mean I am a bad person, it just means that I do not have empathy with that person in that situation.

Other people.  We share this reality with them, and interact with a few chosen ones for a limited time.  Make yours as interesting as you need, and remember that others are inclined to treat you the way you treat them, but it is an observation, not something that can be enforced.  Life is not fair, life is not logical, life is not easy, life is not something you can learn from somebody else.  Life is just something to do in this reality, and nobody else will ever do it better, or worse,  than you.  Do it your way, and if that is the same way as billions of other humans, make it unique by enjoying it your way.

Kinders, en breinkinders.

My jongste dogter het Sondag agtien geword.  Dit is asof ek skielik net besef hoe min ek werklik weet wat in my kinders se lewens aangaan, hoeveel hulle verander het van die kinders wat ek nog in my gedagtes sien tot die jongmense wat hulle nou is.

Ek wonder of dit dieselfde is vir ander ouers; dat hulle weet hoe elke kind sal optree in sekere omstandighede, en glad nie in ander nie.  Ek kan die invloed sien wat ek in hul lewens het, hoe ek hulle gevorm het, maar ek kan ook sien hoe hulle deur ander gevorm is, en dan natuurlik ook waar hulle verskeie invloede saamgevorm het in een nuwe, unieke eienskap wat meestal onverstaanbaar is.

Emosies en hormone was nog nooit iets wat ek eers probeer verstaan het nie.  Dit was nog altyd iets vir my wat met jou gebeur as jy nie op jou hoede is nie, en jy probeer dit dan maar hanteer so goed as wat jy kan.  Dit is egter nie die geval met my kinders nie.  Vir my lyk dit of hulle dit uitsoek en met alle mag en mening probeer uitleef, terwyl hulle almal wat magteloos toekyk en probeer om raad aan te bied, kwalik neem omdat hulle nie 'verstaan nie'.

Terwyl ek regtig nie 'verstaan nie', weet ek egter dat dit 'n keuse is wat hulle maak om alles so te ervaar, terwyl ek 'n ander keuse gemaak het.  Dit is nie 'n beter keuse nie, dit is nie 'n slegter keuse nie, dit is net 'n ander keuse, een wat my beter gepas het.  Elkeen van ons maak keuses wat ons eie is, wat ons uniek maak, en party is keuses wat ons later spyt oor is en verander, of probeer verander.

Hoe vertel, hoe oortuig jy 'n kind dat keuses nie permanent is nie?  Dat jy oor en oor en oor dieselfde kan kies, tot jy op 'n dag anders besluit, want jy het verander?  Hoe vertel jy 'n kind dat jy 'n dag later weer die ou manier kan kies, want jy mis die ou, standvastige manier, al weet jy nou van 'beter'?

Om een of ander rede het my ouers my vertel dat die lewe regverdig is, dat goed uiteindelik oor kwaad sal seevier, dat mens slegs hard moet werk en te glo, en jy sal jou drome waar maak.  Nogal 'n skok om uit te vind jou ouers het vir jou gelieg omdat hulle jou wou beskerm.

Ek het die laaste paar jaar probeer om my kinders anders op te voed.  Die lewe is nie regverdig nie, maar dit gaan beslis nie help om die hele tyd op die ergste te wag nie.  Mens kan versigtig wees sonder om deur vrees beheer te word. Dit is belangriker om iets te leer uit wat met jou gebeur as om dit vir die res van jou lewe te probeer vermy.

Goed en kwaad is naambordjies wat ons aan gebeure hang.  Dit is net 'n persepsie, en as jy jou persepsie verander kan jy jouself ook verander.  Of is dit andersom, of miskien net een en dieselfde ding?  Wat anders is ek as my persepsies?  Is 'harde werk' nie net my ouers se persepsie van die 'slim werk' wat my persepsie is nie?  Praat ons dalk eintlik van dieselfde ding sonder om dit te besef?

Ek het vrede gemaak met die feit dat my persepsie uniek is, en dat niemand anders dit ooit heeltemal sal verstaan nie.  Dit beteken egter ook dat ek nooit iemand anders se persepsies ooit heeltemal sal verstaan nie, want almal is uniek.  Dit is so effens moeiliker om te aanvaar, en is die oorsaak van die meeste probleme in ons samelewing.  Volgens my persepsie, natuurlik.

Persepsies.  Dit is nie enigiets konkreet nie, dit is nie eens iets wat jy presies kan vaspen nie, want dit is, hopenlik, besig om die heel tyd so effens te verander.  Een van daardie goed wat jy verander as jy dit presies probeer definieer.  Wat my laat wonder.  Verander jou persepsies werklik deur jou ervaringe, of verander dit omdat jy jou bestaande persepsies nou bevraagteken?  Kan ek nou my persepsies verander deur ervaringe van jare gelede te bestudeer?  Hmmm...

Thinking out of the box.

There is no such thing as thinking out of the box.  People like to convince themselves that they step out of their comfort zone and leave their little box that protects them from the rest of the world and get inspiration from the 'fresh air'.

Utter nonsense.  What we mostly do is to poke around in the dusty corners, look at the usual stuff with a more critical eye, and, if it is really time to scrape the barrel, move around a bit and wonder if the back of the fork can be used as a teaspoon, if two-minute noodles can be eaten for breakfast, if two t-shirts underneath your shirt is as warm as a jersey over the shirt.

We are not thinking out of the box, we are taking slightly more interest in the normal stuff inside the box.  Thinking outside the box is to think of an axle to make use of the wheel.  It is inventing the engine to power tools and free the person to do something else.  Thinking outside the box led to the use of money, led to the alphabet, the telephone, introduced us to plastic, and made radio and television possible.

I have realized something awful.  You need a vivid imagination to think outside the box, because you have to imagine the impossible and make it work.  You must lie convincingly enough to believe that it is possible, and then have the tenacity to carry it through to the end.

Luckily my logic must be flawed.  Politicians and lawyers are not inventors, are they?

Enjoying life.

I realized some time ago that there is a very simple way of being sure that you enjoy life every second of your life.  Be happy with what you have.

Unfortunately there is this one simple thing that prevents us from doing this every second of our lives.  We humans tend to think, and we mostly think about only one thing.  Everything we do not have/are not doing at the moment.  Drives us slowly crazy.

Well, some of us faster than others, and at the moment I'm on the fast track.  I am basically a thinking machine, never living in the moment, but living through every possible failure in the foreseeable future, and berating myself for every mistake I ever made in the past.  Not trying to learn anything from it, but making sure I will know when I make it again, ensuring I will have something worse to dwell on at a future time.

At the moment I am getting desperate to find any way of relaxing.  It feels as if I am forcing myself to find a way to live in the moment even when there is nothing to do but to think.  Trying to out-think myself.  The odds must be astronomical.

Odds are, something will give before too long, and I have this vague feeling that I will be able to notice the consequences.  Just this vague feeling, mind you, but it is getting more persistent.  Maybe I should worry about that as well.  Hmm...

Confession

There is something that I feel I need to confess.  Most people is under the impression that I think a lot.  Something that is logical to assume, as I do not talk a lot, and I am intelligent, and there is the reading I do constantly as well.  Unfortunately it is not true, just because I do have a brain does not mean that I use it.

Some people know that I have 'blank spots'.  Moments when I do not register the world around me, moments that I am in a 'pause' state; with just the knowledge afterwards that time is missing.  But now I have to confess to more than that, I have to confess that I am in a 'screensaver' mode most of my life.

Most of the time I am 'away'.  It is as if I am bored, and my thoughts are not with what I am busy doing, but somewhere else, planning something different, or remembering something else.  The only difference is, I am not involved with that, I am left living this part while most of 'me' is off somewhere else.

There is this joke that men is always just thinking of either sex or food.  I know that I can only think of one thing at a time, and most of the time I worry about my purpose in life.  Why am I here, why do I feel this way, why is there nothing stable or constant in my life, why do I keep on doing things I do not like doing, why do I care so much about other people's perceptions, why are there no answers I am happy with, why do I keep on struggling?

There is no room, no time for other thoughts, no insights, nothing to make me special.  Luckily I read a lot, so I can take other people's words and use it to impress the people around me.  I can use my intellect to convince others that I do think.  And most of the time I am content with that.  But confession is good for the soul, and I would like to have one, so I write this down, and feel that it means something, that maybe, it means something not just to me.

Thinking.  Next time you see somebody 'thinking', remember me, and realize that it may just be, as in my case, a single thought rushing around, terrified of the big, empty space.

Faith

Have you ever wondered about the meaning of this word that is the cornerstone of all religions?

Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.  Belief that is not based on proof.  For some reason I am starting to take a very good look at this word, and the meaning it has in my life. 

I am starting to wonder about the many things in my life I have faith in.  Not things I believe in, only the things I have faith in.  Things that I believe in without any proof.  Something that is more difficult than I imagined, because I have to look at the 'proof' I have with a discerning eye.  Is it proof I trust, or is it proof I use on faith from somebody else?  Thinking like this can force one to go catatonic or even worse, giving it up as impossible.  Unfortunately somebody has got to do it, and nobody else will do it for me.

Maybe I doubt my faith because I do not have complete trust.  Trust at specific times, in specific circumstances, yes, but complete trust is not something that I can claim for myself.  Not in anything.  Doubt is part of my daily life, part of my thoughts, and part of my every action.  Everything in my life is infused with doubt, and I am sick and tired of being ruled by doubt.  I need to get rid of most of it, because some doubt is always a good thing, but overriding doubt is just crippling me.

I don’t have much hope of achieving anything at all, but hope is like cockroaches; no matter how hard you try, as soon as you let go for a second one scuttles by as a reminder that you are not infallible.  Hope.  At least I still have hope.  Or do I just have faith in hope?

And now for something completely different.

:)   :)   :)   :)   :)   :)   :)   :)

Not much, but at least it is different.

Scared selfless

I remember myself as a young man.  Full of dreams, full of ideas, ready to make the world a better place.  (For me, at least; if other do not have the ability to enjoy what I provide, it is their loss.)

Many years later I look at my life and cringe.  I fell into the most basic of traps, and now live for others.  My life is not my own, my time is not my own, my thoughts are not my own, my soul is all alone, and wondering where the rest of me went.

I feel like a thief when I want something for myself.  I have to ask other people for the privilege of spending my time the way I want to, and then I am in debt to them, owing them for the 'favour'.  More and more I find that I must share mine, but I am not allowed to receive from others.  I must be happy to give, and this joy must be enough for me.

Scared selfless.  I thought I was better than this, intelligent enough to protect myself somehow.

Unfortunately I am a person that think a lot before doing anything at all.  Usually when only extreme measures are still viable.  How afraid am I really?