Change

Something you get handed back after you paid for something.  Something you only get by handing over something of yours to somebody else.  Something you only get by breaking something bigger, of more value.  Something that people throw in a jar and keep for a rainy day.  Something that, when you are using it every day, implies that you are in trouble.

I forgot that it may also mean that you are alive, not stagnating.  That you are evolving, innovative, inquiring, full of energy and ideas.  That you are prepared to think new thoughts, prepared to take a leap of faith, prepared to trust.

I am, have been, in a very dark place for a very long time, and have convinced myself that it is where I belong, that I deserve no better, that I must endure it.

Maybe it is not true, after all.  Maybe this is not the beginning of the end or the middle of the end, as I thought, but just a pause.

Change.  Which way to go, which step to take, what to do, what to think, what to prepare for; I am scared into immobility, knowing I must take a step, any step to begin.

At least I started thinking again.  Maybe that is a first step into something new.  Now I just need something to focus on, something to reach...