Confession

There is something that I feel I need to confess.  Most people is under the impression that I think a lot.  Something that is logical to assume, as I do not talk a lot, and I am intelligent, and there is the reading I do constantly as well.  Unfortunately it is not true, just because I do have a brain does not mean that I use it.

Some people know that I have 'blank spots'.  Moments when I do not register the world around me, moments that I am in a 'pause' state; with just the knowledge afterwards that time is missing.  But now I have to confess to more than that, I have to confess that I am in a 'screensaver' mode most of my life.

Most of the time I am 'away'.  It is as if I am bored, and my thoughts are not with what I am busy doing, but somewhere else, planning something different, or remembering something else.  The only difference is, I am not involved with that, I am left living this part while most of 'me' is off somewhere else.

There is this joke that men is always just thinking of either sex or food.  I know that I can only think of one thing at a time, and most of the time I worry about my purpose in life.  Why am I here, why do I feel this way, why is there nothing stable or constant in my life, why do I keep on doing things I do not like doing, why do I care so much about other people's perceptions, why are there no answers I am happy with, why do I keep on struggling?

There is no room, no time for other thoughts, no insights, nothing to make me special.  Luckily I read a lot, so I can take other people's words and use it to impress the people around me.  I can use my intellect to convince others that I do think.  And most of the time I am content with that.  But confession is good for the soul, and I would like to have one, so I write this down, and feel that it means something, that maybe, it means something not just to me.

Thinking.  Next time you see somebody 'thinking', remember me, and realize that it may just be, as in my case, a single thought rushing around, terrified of the big, empty space.