I am not very comfortable talking about depression, mostly because I thought that it is a 'phase' that you suffer through, and then you carry on as before. Something that happens to you, and then you get over it and carry on with your life. Unfortunately I found out the difficult way that this is not how it works. Well, for me is doesn't.
I don't know when or even why or how I started getting depressed. It was just something that I realized one day. I found it too much of an effort to keep up the front of a happy person, and I realized that self-confidence was something seriously lacking in my life. I had to check and recheck everything I did, and even then I did not always realize the mistakes I made.
Lots of different things added to this morass of depression I find myself in, and thinking back, I cannot think of anything I could have done to change my situation. There were just too many things going wrong in too many aspects of my life at the same time, and I did not know which to focus on and try to do something about first, so I did the minimum on all of them, and it was not nearly enough.
Thoughts of committing suicide entered my mind, and stayed there. I always considered myself as too weak a person to actually do something like that, but suddenly I started seeing it as one of the better options I had. After a few weeks I took my wife's pistol and sat outside under a tree, cocking it and putting it into my mouth, daring myself to pull the trigger.
This happened a few times before I went to see a psychologist. A few sessions later I realized that she had no clue of how to help me, so I went to see a psychiatrist, who booked me into a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. For two weeks I saw the psychiatrist and a psychologist every day, and started drinking pills to help handle the depression. For two weeks I was removed from all stress, with no cares at all, and I started feeling positive about life again.
After a week at home, I drank all the pills I had left for the next three weeks the night before I had to start working again. I was booked into hospital because I was unable to control my limbs, and stayed there for a week, under strict observation. As if I would commit suicide there, when I have no cares, no worries.
My pills were changed, and I had to see another psychologist every two weeks. Everybody was treating me like an invalid, and for a few weeks, I was nearly back to my old self. Problem solved, I am out of this 'depression phase', and can now carry on with my life, drinking my pills for a few months before telling the psychiatrist that I do not need them anymore. I am done with that phase of my life.
I went back to the psychiatrist after six months for my follow-up. He immediately prescribed stronger pills. After two months I returned to him again, and he added even more pills, because I am even more depressed than before. Luckily I do not have access to the pistol anymore, but I have already started thinking of other ways to commit suicide. I do not want to suffer much, I do not want to endure a lot of pain, I just want to end my life.
One of the things I have realized, is that I will try to commit suicide when I have the chance. It is if I despise myself for not going through with it when I had the chance before. Even when I enjoy myself, when I feel satisfied with myself, I realize that I am looking for a way to commit suicide, and wondering if I will have the courage to do it this time.
Depression is not a phase in a person's life, it is not something that can be cured quickly, it is not something that strike you out of the blue one day. It is something that gradually invade your life, something that does not attack you, but moves in and changes you so slowly that you only realize it is there when it is ruling your life.
While in hospital, I saw quite a lot of people suffering from depression. The sad part, for me, is that you hardly ever see it when a person is part of a group. Not in a group, but part of it. Depression is a disease of lonely people, of people that live alone between other people, people that cannot depend on the support of others. I've seen children afraid of any help, because it always come at a great price. Men in high positions, not prepared to carry all the responsibility alone anymore, because nobody else is prepared to do it.
Depression can only get better when circumstances change. A person can learn to handle stressful situations better, but will get depressed again if circumstances does not change. You can also get depressed again if other stressful situations become part of your life, before the current stressful situations are dealt with.
Depression, as I have to emphasize, cannot be completely cured by the patient, the psychiatrist, the psychologist or a bunch of pills. It can only be cured with the help and support of a group of people. Depression is not a sickness brought on by hardship, by loss of work, by accident, by your diet, by your skin-color or your sexual preference. Any or all of these can contribute, but it is never the cause of depression.
Depression is caused by the knowledge, deep inside yourself, that you are all alone, with nobody to help you, and you are not up to the task. Whether this is true or not does not matter, and it can only depart completely when you know that it is not true at all. And unfortunately we need the people close to us, to prove, through word and deed, for quite a long time, that this is true, before we change our minds and accept this truth.
I have not been convinced.
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
Perspective.
I just read "Magician's End" by Raymond E. Feist, and, as usual with one of his books, some neurons in my brain kept firing after reading the last page. Some books have that effect on me.
Your perspective limits your reality. It also defines your reality, because we compare our definition of reality and the reality we perceive the whole time. When there are discrepancies, we do one of two things: Either we change our definition of reality, or, in most cases, we change the facts to fit our definition of reality. The mind is the easiest thing to fool, but it is completely adamant that it is completely foolproof and will go to extreme lengths to 'prove' this.
We know that there are sounds we cannot hear, things we cannot see, things we cannot smell, things we cannot taste, things we cannot feel. We also 'know' that all of these 'things' are energy at different levels and/or frequencies. What we don't know, is what percentage of these levels and/or frequencies we do perceive. We just know where our range of perceptions stop.
To try and put it into some kind of perspective for you, we do not know if we are listening to all the C-notes you can create on a specific guitar-string, all the C-notes you can create on that specific guitar, all the notes you can create on that specific guitar-string, all the notes you can create on that specific guitar, all the C-notes on a specific type of guitar, etc. We just limit our reality to what we can perceive, and ignore everything else. Because we are unable to perceive it, it does not exist.
Now think of another 'perspective' we inflict on ourselves. Filters. Filters our ego create to protect us from the world, to keep our perception of reality as simple as possible, to keep our reality easy to understand. It may be fundamentally wrong, but it does make sense if you ignore anything that does not confirm to it, and if you do not examine it too closely. We do not know they exist till we are made aware of them, and then the whole world change, because you rip out the old filter and replace it with a brand new one.
In another book I read an Artificial Intelligence ask the person it is talking to, to let it take 'the REAL turing test'. Let both of them pray for an hour, and see if God notice the difference. All kinds of filters are revealed by your reaction to this, and it is quite interesting to sit and work through them for a few minutes.
What is your perception of men? Of women? Of other races, of other cultures, of history, of religion, of specific religions, of work, of your intelligence, of your driving, of your roll in your family, in your community, on earth? Can you imagine how these filters cloud your perception of reality, how much you miss because of these filters? I know that I cannot, the way I cannot imagine the temperature and the pressure inside the sun.
I would love to say that I am more open-minded now than a few years ago, but it will be a lie. What happened is that I just became aware of more filters I have in place. Filters that are replaced more often, sometimes with old, comfortable ones. Most of the time I just accept that I use a lot of filters, and try to remember that it is just my personal version of reality.
Is there a God? Is time just a perception? Is there a multiverse? Is everything pre-ordained? Do I actually exist? Is there something like the past or the future, or does only the present moment exist, with the 'past' made up to create the sense of continuity? What would be the reason for this?
My perspective, your perspective. Or is there only my perspective after all? A perspective that will end with me, that will be replaced with another? What is your perspective, or is it still mine?
Your perspective limits your reality. It also defines your reality, because we compare our definition of reality and the reality we perceive the whole time. When there are discrepancies, we do one of two things: Either we change our definition of reality, or, in most cases, we change the facts to fit our definition of reality. The mind is the easiest thing to fool, but it is completely adamant that it is completely foolproof and will go to extreme lengths to 'prove' this.
We know that there are sounds we cannot hear, things we cannot see, things we cannot smell, things we cannot taste, things we cannot feel. We also 'know' that all of these 'things' are energy at different levels and/or frequencies. What we don't know, is what percentage of these levels and/or frequencies we do perceive. We just know where our range of perceptions stop.
To try and put it into some kind of perspective for you, we do not know if we are listening to all the C-notes you can create on a specific guitar-string, all the C-notes you can create on that specific guitar, all the notes you can create on that specific guitar-string, all the notes you can create on that specific guitar, all the C-notes on a specific type of guitar, etc. We just limit our reality to what we can perceive, and ignore everything else. Because we are unable to perceive it, it does not exist.
Now think of another 'perspective' we inflict on ourselves. Filters. Filters our ego create to protect us from the world, to keep our perception of reality as simple as possible, to keep our reality easy to understand. It may be fundamentally wrong, but it does make sense if you ignore anything that does not confirm to it, and if you do not examine it too closely. We do not know they exist till we are made aware of them, and then the whole world change, because you rip out the old filter and replace it with a brand new one.
In another book I read an Artificial Intelligence ask the person it is talking to, to let it take 'the REAL turing test'. Let both of them pray for an hour, and see if God notice the difference. All kinds of filters are revealed by your reaction to this, and it is quite interesting to sit and work through them for a few minutes.
What is your perception of men? Of women? Of other races, of other cultures, of history, of religion, of specific religions, of work, of your intelligence, of your driving, of your roll in your family, in your community, on earth? Can you imagine how these filters cloud your perception of reality, how much you miss because of these filters? I know that I cannot, the way I cannot imagine the temperature and the pressure inside the sun.
I would love to say that I am more open-minded now than a few years ago, but it will be a lie. What happened is that I just became aware of more filters I have in place. Filters that are replaced more often, sometimes with old, comfortable ones. Most of the time I just accept that I use a lot of filters, and try to remember that it is just my personal version of reality.
Is there a God? Is time just a perception? Is there a multiverse? Is everything pre-ordained? Do I actually exist? Is there something like the past or the future, or does only the present moment exist, with the 'past' made up to create the sense of continuity? What would be the reason for this?
My perspective, your perspective. Or is there only my perspective after all? A perspective that will end with me, that will be replaced with another? What is your perspective, or is it still mine?
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Kinders en hul dinge.
Ek het simpatie met my kinders, maar geen empatie nie.
Dit beteken nie dat ek niks van my kinders hou nie, dit beteken net dat ek aanvaar het dat hulle weier om te leer uit ander mense se foute, en hulle die reg gun om alles op die harde manier te leer. Hoekom het jou kinders altyd jou swakste eienskappe?
My oudste seun, Peter, het Saterdagaand hard probeer om 'n betonmuur wat heel onskuldig 'n paar meter van die straat af manhaftig probeer het om sy staan te staan, onverwags skrik te maak. Ongelukkig het hy dit gladnie beplan nie, en in plaas van skrikmaak stamp hy hom toe sommer om. Sy i10 se hele regterkant is gekrap en vol duike, en die voorwiel het sommer van die rim afgeklim.
Ongelukkig vertel hy toe vir een van sy 'vriende' wat 'n toutrok besit dat hy versekering het op sy voertuig. maar onthou toe nie dat dit net derde-party versekering is nie. Groot fout. 'n Ander maatskappy het hom gister gebel. Hy moet hulle more R5000.00 betaal, anders vra hulle hom R1200.00 per dag wat die voertuig by hulle staan. Die ander R2500.00 wat hy hulle dan nog skuld hoef hy eers die einde van die maand te betaal, maar hy moet dan more sy voertuig self kom verwyder, anders betaal hy in elk geval 'n daaglikse stoorfooi.
Moet egter nie dink dat hierdie 'n saak van erns vir hom is nie. Nee, hy het nie deur die dag tyd om enigiets te doen hieraan nie, want hy moet werk. Hy bel in die aande na sewe en kan nie verstaan dat niemand hulle werksfone antwoord nie.
My oudste dogter, Esther, en haar kerel woon nie meer saam nie. Dit is hard op hulle altwee, en op almal rondom hulle, aangesien hulle nou al lank 'n paartjie was. Nege maande lank saamgebly, en nou is altwee weer alleenlopers. Ek is net vreeslik bly dat hulle as vriende uitmekaar is, en dat die kwade gevoelens onder beheer is. Altwee het geweldig geleer en gegroei in die tyd wat hulle saam was, en dit is jammer dat hulle nie saam in die regte rigting gegroei het nie. Ten minste het hulle dit nou al besef en besluit om dit na al die vorige probeerslae die keer te laat vaar.
Jacques leer die harde manier dat jy nie net kan luister in die klas op universiteit, en dan verwag om goed te doen nie. Gelukkig vir hom is daar iets soos die internet, dus sit hy en van sy klasmaats nou soms in die aande en praat met mekaar terwyl hulle skerms en dokumente deel sodat almal die logika kan sien en dat hulle menings kan deel. Dit klink soms asof hulle eerder besig is om een of ander speletjie te speel so rumoerig gaan dit, maar ek is net innig bly dat hy nie soos sy pa alles op sy eie probeer doen nie.
Nou moet hy nog net besef dat sy ouers nie altyd daar gaan wees om alles vir hom te koop en te betaal nie, hy sal dit self moet begin doen. Iewers sal ons tot 'n vergelyk moet kom, want ek glo nie hy sal dit kan hanteer as ons net skielik heeltemal stop nie.
Rut.
Sug.
Ons rooikoppie het gladnie matriek op die brein nie. Dit is nie eens onder die top tien onderwerpe waaraan sy wel dink nie. Op die oomblik is die top onderwerpe waaraan sy wel aandag skenk, in geen spesifieke rangorde nie, soos volg:
Matriekafskeid. Matriekafskeidrok. Matriekafskeidskoene. Matriekafskeidjuwele. Matriekafskeid after-party. Haar haarkapsel vir die matriekafskeid. Haar grimering vir die matriekafskeid. Haar kerel. Haar kerel se probleme. Wanneer sy weer haar kerel gaan sien. Haar selfoon. Peter se probleme. Esther se probleme. Probleme wat sy met Jacques het. Probleme wat sy met haar ouers het.
Vir weke lank was die feit dat sy nog nie ingeskryf was by TUT vir volgende jaar nie ook op die lys, maar dit is nou gelukkig nie meer 'n probleem nie. Nou moet hierdie matriekafskeid ook net agter die rug kom, en ek hoop regtig dit is nie te laat nie.
Kinders. Bewys dat ons geen idee het wat ons doen as ons verlief raak nie.
Dit beteken nie dat ek niks van my kinders hou nie, dit beteken net dat ek aanvaar het dat hulle weier om te leer uit ander mense se foute, en hulle die reg gun om alles op die harde manier te leer. Hoekom het jou kinders altyd jou swakste eienskappe?
My oudste seun, Peter, het Saterdagaand hard probeer om 'n betonmuur wat heel onskuldig 'n paar meter van die straat af manhaftig probeer het om sy staan te staan, onverwags skrik te maak. Ongelukkig het hy dit gladnie beplan nie, en in plaas van skrikmaak stamp hy hom toe sommer om. Sy i10 se hele regterkant is gekrap en vol duike, en die voorwiel het sommer van die rim afgeklim.
Ongelukkig vertel hy toe vir een van sy 'vriende' wat 'n toutrok besit dat hy versekering het op sy voertuig. maar onthou toe nie dat dit net derde-party versekering is nie. Groot fout. 'n Ander maatskappy het hom gister gebel. Hy moet hulle more R5000.00 betaal, anders vra hulle hom R1200.00 per dag wat die voertuig by hulle staan. Die ander R2500.00 wat hy hulle dan nog skuld hoef hy eers die einde van die maand te betaal, maar hy moet dan more sy voertuig self kom verwyder, anders betaal hy in elk geval 'n daaglikse stoorfooi.
Moet egter nie dink dat hierdie 'n saak van erns vir hom is nie. Nee, hy het nie deur die dag tyd om enigiets te doen hieraan nie, want hy moet werk. Hy bel in die aande na sewe en kan nie verstaan dat niemand hulle werksfone antwoord nie.
My oudste dogter, Esther, en haar kerel woon nie meer saam nie. Dit is hard op hulle altwee, en op almal rondom hulle, aangesien hulle nou al lank 'n paartjie was. Nege maande lank saamgebly, en nou is altwee weer alleenlopers. Ek is net vreeslik bly dat hulle as vriende uitmekaar is, en dat die kwade gevoelens onder beheer is. Altwee het geweldig geleer en gegroei in die tyd wat hulle saam was, en dit is jammer dat hulle nie saam in die regte rigting gegroei het nie. Ten minste het hulle dit nou al besef en besluit om dit na al die vorige probeerslae die keer te laat vaar.
Jacques leer die harde manier dat jy nie net kan luister in die klas op universiteit, en dan verwag om goed te doen nie. Gelukkig vir hom is daar iets soos die internet, dus sit hy en van sy klasmaats nou soms in die aande en praat met mekaar terwyl hulle skerms en dokumente deel sodat almal die logika kan sien en dat hulle menings kan deel. Dit klink soms asof hulle eerder besig is om een of ander speletjie te speel so rumoerig gaan dit, maar ek is net innig bly dat hy nie soos sy pa alles op sy eie probeer doen nie.
Nou moet hy nog net besef dat sy ouers nie altyd daar gaan wees om alles vir hom te koop en te betaal nie, hy sal dit self moet begin doen. Iewers sal ons tot 'n vergelyk moet kom, want ek glo nie hy sal dit kan hanteer as ons net skielik heeltemal stop nie.
Rut.
Sug.
Ons rooikoppie het gladnie matriek op die brein nie. Dit is nie eens onder die top tien onderwerpe waaraan sy wel dink nie. Op die oomblik is die top onderwerpe waaraan sy wel aandag skenk, in geen spesifieke rangorde nie, soos volg:
Matriekafskeid. Matriekafskeidrok. Matriekafskeidskoene. Matriekafskeidjuwele. Matriekafskeid after-party. Haar haarkapsel vir die matriekafskeid. Haar grimering vir die matriekafskeid. Haar kerel. Haar kerel se probleme. Wanneer sy weer haar kerel gaan sien. Haar selfoon. Peter se probleme. Esther se probleme. Probleme wat sy met Jacques het. Probleme wat sy met haar ouers het.
Vir weke lank was die feit dat sy nog nie ingeskryf was by TUT vir volgende jaar nie ook op die lys, maar dit is nou gelukkig nie meer 'n probleem nie. Nou moet hierdie matriekafskeid ook net agter die rug kom, en ek hoop regtig dit is nie te laat nie.
Kinders. Bewys dat ons geen idee het wat ons doen as ons verlief raak nie.
Friday, 19 July 2013
Being me.
Arta started a whole train of thought this morning when she talked about 'needing people'. At first I only wanted to leave a comment on her blog, but it turned into a few paragraphs and I wisely decided to spare her the embarrassment of leaving a letter as a comment.
Most people need other people to confirm that they exist, and to provide a reason for living. Society needs people to depend on people, to provide for people, to stay with people, to interact with people, to fit in with other people. Safety in numbers, survival of the species, security, familiarity; all things that are associated with groups.
Technology changed this picture for most people. For most people it provides a constant sense of 'belonging'. Even when completely alone, they are still connected and part of a few groups via facebook, twitter, email and cellphone calls. They can interact with people on a moment's notice, ask help or provide it, feel the satisfaction of connecting and influencing another human's life for the better, without a lot of physical effort. Most people even seem to prefer this type of interaction over the old-fashioned way of physically interacting with other people.
Maybe it is because you can physically stop a person from leaving when you ignore him for a few seconds, but if the person on the other end of the screen or phone is bored, you may never hear from him/her again. That person may be impossible to find again, so you try to strengthen the link between you, knowing that the person physically with you is easier to pacify.
Others use this same technology to interact even less with other people, using the information others share without any interaction at all. Millions of people never develop the social skills most take for granted, because they no longer have the need to acquire them. Technology is a tool, and you make use of it in a way that suits you, even when it does not make any sense at all to another user of the same technology.
What does all this have to do with the need for other people? Quite a lot. People always need other people, if only to look down on them. Technology enable people to have a bit more choice in the type and quality of interaction they have with others. People needing to interact with other people with most of their senses use technology to find the correct person and time to do this. This enable them to interact for longer periods in the correct environment.
The same happens with people that only need to hear others, or to share ideas with a like-minded group of people. Why spend most of the time trying to find the correct environment to be yourself if you can just use technology to do this search much faster? Even better is when you widen your horizons and find new and interesting ways to enhance your life, to change your perception, to enjoy life.
Most people forget that life is all about experiencing life. We compare our experiences with the lives of celebrities that are set as a goal to reach; we scrutinize the lives of people that we then try to emulate because they appear happier than we are. We spend most of our time and effort trying to become somebody and something else. Unfortunately technology is the culprit here, because it allow us to take a closer look at the way other people live, without showing us all the sacrifices they make to achieve it. It shows us the end-result without all the hard work that went into it, creating unrealistic expectations.
Most people forget that we need other people to share experiences with. We do not need to emulate them, we do not need confirmation or approval or directives or wisdom or information from them, we need them to share a moment. They need us for the same reason, and it is much easier to remember this when you are not bombarded with all kinds of different information and ideas and viewpoints and emotions and tricks to provide somebody else with some kind of satisfaction.
Everything is about me. The fact that I sometimes experience great satisfaction in helping somebody else does not mean that I am a good person, it just means that I am more inclined to do this type of thing more often. The fact that I experience even more satisfaction when achieving something that only satisfies me, does not mean I am a bad person, it just means that I am more inclined to act that way. Even getting satisfaction from the suffering of others does not mean I am a bad person, it just means that I do not have empathy with that person in that situation.
Other people. We share this reality with them, and interact with a few chosen ones for a limited time. Make yours as interesting as you need, and remember that others are inclined to treat you the way you treat them, but it is an observation, not something that can be enforced. Life is not fair, life is not logical, life is not easy, life is not something you can learn from somebody else. Life is just something to do in this reality, and nobody else will ever do it better, or worse, than you. Do it your way, and if that is the same way as billions of other humans, make it unique by enjoying it your way.
Most people need other people to confirm that they exist, and to provide a reason for living. Society needs people to depend on people, to provide for people, to stay with people, to interact with people, to fit in with other people. Safety in numbers, survival of the species, security, familiarity; all things that are associated with groups.
Technology changed this picture for most people. For most people it provides a constant sense of 'belonging'. Even when completely alone, they are still connected and part of a few groups via facebook, twitter, email and cellphone calls. They can interact with people on a moment's notice, ask help or provide it, feel the satisfaction of connecting and influencing another human's life for the better, without a lot of physical effort. Most people even seem to prefer this type of interaction over the old-fashioned way of physically interacting with other people.
Maybe it is because you can physically stop a person from leaving when you ignore him for a few seconds, but if the person on the other end of the screen or phone is bored, you may never hear from him/her again. That person may be impossible to find again, so you try to strengthen the link between you, knowing that the person physically with you is easier to pacify.
Others use this same technology to interact even less with other people, using the information others share without any interaction at all. Millions of people never develop the social skills most take for granted, because they no longer have the need to acquire them. Technology is a tool, and you make use of it in a way that suits you, even when it does not make any sense at all to another user of the same technology.
What does all this have to do with the need for other people? Quite a lot. People always need other people, if only to look down on them. Technology enable people to have a bit more choice in the type and quality of interaction they have with others. People needing to interact with other people with most of their senses use technology to find the correct person and time to do this. This enable them to interact for longer periods in the correct environment.
The same happens with people that only need to hear others, or to share ideas with a like-minded group of people. Why spend most of the time trying to find the correct environment to be yourself if you can just use technology to do this search much faster? Even better is when you widen your horizons and find new and interesting ways to enhance your life, to change your perception, to enjoy life.
Most people forget that life is all about experiencing life. We compare our experiences with the lives of celebrities that are set as a goal to reach; we scrutinize the lives of people that we then try to emulate because they appear happier than we are. We spend most of our time and effort trying to become somebody and something else. Unfortunately technology is the culprit here, because it allow us to take a closer look at the way other people live, without showing us all the sacrifices they make to achieve it. It shows us the end-result without all the hard work that went into it, creating unrealistic expectations.
Most people forget that we need other people to share experiences with. We do not need to emulate them, we do not need confirmation or approval or directives or wisdom or information from them, we need them to share a moment. They need us for the same reason, and it is much easier to remember this when you are not bombarded with all kinds of different information and ideas and viewpoints and emotions and tricks to provide somebody else with some kind of satisfaction.
Everything is about me. The fact that I sometimes experience great satisfaction in helping somebody else does not mean that I am a good person, it just means that I am more inclined to do this type of thing more often. The fact that I experience even more satisfaction when achieving something that only satisfies me, does not mean I am a bad person, it just means that I am more inclined to act that way. Even getting satisfaction from the suffering of others does not mean I am a bad person, it just means that I do not have empathy with that person in that situation.
Other people. We share this reality with them, and interact with a few chosen ones for a limited time. Make yours as interesting as you need, and remember that others are inclined to treat you the way you treat them, but it is an observation, not something that can be enforced. Life is not fair, life is not logical, life is not easy, life is not something you can learn from somebody else. Life is just something to do in this reality, and nobody else will ever do it better, or worse, than you. Do it your way, and if that is the same way as billions of other humans, make it unique by enjoying it your way.
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Kinders, en breinkinders.
My jongste dogter het Sondag agtien geword. Dit is asof ek skielik net besef hoe min ek werklik weet wat in my kinders se lewens aangaan, hoeveel hulle verander het van die kinders wat ek nog in my gedagtes sien tot die jongmense wat hulle nou is.
Ek wonder of dit dieselfde is vir ander ouers; dat hulle weet hoe elke kind sal optree in sekere omstandighede, en glad nie in ander nie. Ek kan die invloed sien wat ek in hul lewens het, hoe ek hulle gevorm het, maar ek kan ook sien hoe hulle deur ander gevorm is, en dan natuurlik ook waar hulle verskeie invloede saamgevorm het in een nuwe, unieke eienskap wat meestal onverstaanbaar is.
Emosies en hormone was nog nooit iets wat ek eers probeer verstaan het nie. Dit was nog altyd iets vir my wat met jou gebeur as jy nie op jou hoede is nie, en jy probeer dit dan maar hanteer so goed as wat jy kan. Dit is egter nie die geval met my kinders nie. Vir my lyk dit of hulle dit uitsoek en met alle mag en mening probeer uitleef, terwyl hulle almal wat magteloos toekyk en probeer om raad aan te bied, kwalik neem omdat hulle nie 'verstaan nie'.
Terwyl ek regtig nie 'verstaan nie', weet ek egter dat dit 'n keuse is wat hulle maak om alles so te ervaar, terwyl ek 'n ander keuse gemaak het. Dit is nie 'n beter keuse nie, dit is nie 'n slegter keuse nie, dit is net 'n ander keuse, een wat my beter gepas het. Elkeen van ons maak keuses wat ons eie is, wat ons uniek maak, en party is keuses wat ons later spyt oor is en verander, of probeer verander.
Hoe vertel, hoe oortuig jy 'n kind dat keuses nie permanent is nie? Dat jy oor en oor en oor dieselfde kan kies, tot jy op 'n dag anders besluit, want jy het verander? Hoe vertel jy 'n kind dat jy 'n dag later weer die ou manier kan kies, want jy mis die ou, standvastige manier, al weet jy nou van 'beter'?
Om een of ander rede het my ouers my vertel dat die lewe regverdig is, dat goed uiteindelik oor kwaad sal seevier, dat mens slegs hard moet werk en te glo, en jy sal jou drome waar maak. Nogal 'n skok om uit te vind jou ouers het vir jou gelieg omdat hulle jou wou beskerm.
Ek het die laaste paar jaar probeer om my kinders anders op te voed. Die lewe is nie regverdig nie, maar dit gaan beslis nie help om die hele tyd op die ergste te wag nie. Mens kan versigtig wees sonder om deur vrees beheer te word. Dit is belangriker om iets te leer uit wat met jou gebeur as om dit vir die res van jou lewe te probeer vermy.
Goed en kwaad is naambordjies wat ons aan gebeure hang. Dit is net 'n persepsie, en as jy jou persepsie verander kan jy jouself ook verander. Of is dit andersom, of miskien net een en dieselfde ding? Wat anders is ek as my persepsies? Is 'harde werk' nie net my ouers se persepsie van die 'slim werk' wat my persepsie is nie? Praat ons dalk eintlik van dieselfde ding sonder om dit te besef?
Ek het vrede gemaak met die feit dat my persepsie uniek is, en dat niemand anders dit ooit heeltemal sal verstaan nie. Dit beteken egter ook dat ek nooit iemand anders se persepsies ooit heeltemal sal verstaan nie, want almal is uniek. Dit is so effens moeiliker om te aanvaar, en is die oorsaak van die meeste probleme in ons samelewing. Volgens my persepsie, natuurlik.
Persepsies. Dit is nie enigiets konkreet nie, dit is nie eens iets wat jy presies kan vaspen nie, want dit is, hopenlik, besig om die heel tyd so effens te verander. Een van daardie goed wat jy verander as jy dit presies probeer definieer. Wat my laat wonder. Verander jou persepsies werklik deur jou ervaringe, of verander dit omdat jy jou bestaande persepsies nou bevraagteken? Kan ek nou my persepsies verander deur ervaringe van jare gelede te bestudeer? Hmmm...
Ek wonder of dit dieselfde is vir ander ouers; dat hulle weet hoe elke kind sal optree in sekere omstandighede, en glad nie in ander nie. Ek kan die invloed sien wat ek in hul lewens het, hoe ek hulle gevorm het, maar ek kan ook sien hoe hulle deur ander gevorm is, en dan natuurlik ook waar hulle verskeie invloede saamgevorm het in een nuwe, unieke eienskap wat meestal onverstaanbaar is.
Emosies en hormone was nog nooit iets wat ek eers probeer verstaan het nie. Dit was nog altyd iets vir my wat met jou gebeur as jy nie op jou hoede is nie, en jy probeer dit dan maar hanteer so goed as wat jy kan. Dit is egter nie die geval met my kinders nie. Vir my lyk dit of hulle dit uitsoek en met alle mag en mening probeer uitleef, terwyl hulle almal wat magteloos toekyk en probeer om raad aan te bied, kwalik neem omdat hulle nie 'verstaan nie'.
Terwyl ek regtig nie 'verstaan nie', weet ek egter dat dit 'n keuse is wat hulle maak om alles so te ervaar, terwyl ek 'n ander keuse gemaak het. Dit is nie 'n beter keuse nie, dit is nie 'n slegter keuse nie, dit is net 'n ander keuse, een wat my beter gepas het. Elkeen van ons maak keuses wat ons eie is, wat ons uniek maak, en party is keuses wat ons later spyt oor is en verander, of probeer verander.
Hoe vertel, hoe oortuig jy 'n kind dat keuses nie permanent is nie? Dat jy oor en oor en oor dieselfde kan kies, tot jy op 'n dag anders besluit, want jy het verander? Hoe vertel jy 'n kind dat jy 'n dag later weer die ou manier kan kies, want jy mis die ou, standvastige manier, al weet jy nou van 'beter'?
Om een of ander rede het my ouers my vertel dat die lewe regverdig is, dat goed uiteindelik oor kwaad sal seevier, dat mens slegs hard moet werk en te glo, en jy sal jou drome waar maak. Nogal 'n skok om uit te vind jou ouers het vir jou gelieg omdat hulle jou wou beskerm.
Ek het die laaste paar jaar probeer om my kinders anders op te voed. Die lewe is nie regverdig nie, maar dit gaan beslis nie help om die hele tyd op die ergste te wag nie. Mens kan versigtig wees sonder om deur vrees beheer te word. Dit is belangriker om iets te leer uit wat met jou gebeur as om dit vir die res van jou lewe te probeer vermy.
Goed en kwaad is naambordjies wat ons aan gebeure hang. Dit is net 'n persepsie, en as jy jou persepsie verander kan jy jouself ook verander. Of is dit andersom, of miskien net een en dieselfde ding? Wat anders is ek as my persepsies? Is 'harde werk' nie net my ouers se persepsie van die 'slim werk' wat my persepsie is nie? Praat ons dalk eintlik van dieselfde ding sonder om dit te besef?
Ek het vrede gemaak met die feit dat my persepsie uniek is, en dat niemand anders dit ooit heeltemal sal verstaan nie. Dit beteken egter ook dat ek nooit iemand anders se persepsies ooit heeltemal sal verstaan nie, want almal is uniek. Dit is so effens moeiliker om te aanvaar, en is die oorsaak van die meeste probleme in ons samelewing. Volgens my persepsie, natuurlik.
Persepsies. Dit is nie enigiets konkreet nie, dit is nie eens iets wat jy presies kan vaspen nie, want dit is, hopenlik, besig om die heel tyd so effens te verander. Een van daardie goed wat jy verander as jy dit presies probeer definieer. Wat my laat wonder. Verander jou persepsies werklik deur jou ervaringe, of verander dit omdat jy jou bestaande persepsies nou bevraagteken? Kan ek nou my persepsies verander deur ervaringe van jare gelede te bestudeer? Hmmm...
Friday, 14 June 2013
Thinking out of the box.
There is no such thing as thinking out of the box. People like to convince themselves that they step out of their comfort zone and leave their little box that protects them from the rest of the world and get inspiration from the 'fresh air'.
Utter nonsense. What we mostly do is to poke around in the dusty corners, look at the usual stuff with a more critical eye, and, if it is really time to scrape the barrel, move around a bit and wonder if the back of the fork can be used as a teaspoon, if two-minute noodles can be eaten for breakfast, if two t-shirts underneath your shirt is as warm as a jersey over the shirt.
We are not thinking out of the box, we are taking slightly more interest in the normal stuff inside the box. Thinking outside the box is to think of an axle to make use of the wheel. It is inventing the engine to power tools and free the person to do something else. Thinking outside the box led to the use of money, led to the alphabet, the telephone, introduced us to plastic, and made radio and television possible.
I have realized something awful. You need a vivid imagination to think outside the box, because you have to imagine the impossible and make it work. You must lie convincingly enough to believe that it is possible, and then have the tenacity to carry it through to the end.
Luckily my logic must be flawed. Politicians and lawyers are not inventors, are they?
Utter nonsense. What we mostly do is to poke around in the dusty corners, look at the usual stuff with a more critical eye, and, if it is really time to scrape the barrel, move around a bit and wonder if the back of the fork can be used as a teaspoon, if two-minute noodles can be eaten for breakfast, if two t-shirts underneath your shirt is as warm as a jersey over the shirt.
We are not thinking out of the box, we are taking slightly more interest in the normal stuff inside the box. Thinking outside the box is to think of an axle to make use of the wheel. It is inventing the engine to power tools and free the person to do something else. Thinking outside the box led to the use of money, led to the alphabet, the telephone, introduced us to plastic, and made radio and television possible.
I have realized something awful. You need a vivid imagination to think outside the box, because you have to imagine the impossible and make it work. You must lie convincingly enough to believe that it is possible, and then have the tenacity to carry it through to the end.
Luckily my logic must be flawed. Politicians and lawyers are not inventors, are they?
Monday, 6 May 2013
Enjoying life.
I realized some time ago that there is a very simple way of being sure that you enjoy life every second of your life. Be happy with what you have.
Unfortunately there is this one simple thing that prevents us from doing this every second of our lives. We humans tend to think, and we mostly think about only one thing. Everything we do not have/are not doing at the moment. Drives us slowly crazy.
Well, some of us faster than others, and at the moment I'm on the fast track. I am basically a thinking machine, never living in the moment, but living through every possible failure in the foreseeable future, and berating myself for every mistake I ever made in the past. Not trying to learn anything from it, but making sure I will know when I make it again, ensuring I will have something worse to dwell on at a future time.
At the moment I am getting desperate to find any way of relaxing. It feels as if I am forcing myself to find a way to live in the moment even when there is nothing to do but to think. Trying to out-think myself. The odds must be astronomical.
Odds are, something will give before too long, and I have this vague feeling that I will be able to notice the consequences. Just this vague feeling, mind you, but it is getting more persistent. Maybe I should worry about that as well. Hmm...
Unfortunately there is this one simple thing that prevents us from doing this every second of our lives. We humans tend to think, and we mostly think about only one thing. Everything we do not have/are not doing at the moment. Drives us slowly crazy.
Well, some of us faster than others, and at the moment I'm on the fast track. I am basically a thinking machine, never living in the moment, but living through every possible failure in the foreseeable future, and berating myself for every mistake I ever made in the past. Not trying to learn anything from it, but making sure I will know when I make it again, ensuring I will have something worse to dwell on at a future time.
At the moment I am getting desperate to find any way of relaxing. It feels as if I am forcing myself to find a way to live in the moment even when there is nothing to do but to think. Trying to out-think myself. The odds must be astronomical.
Odds are, something will give before too long, and I have this vague feeling that I will be able to notice the consequences. Just this vague feeling, mind you, but it is getting more persistent. Maybe I should worry about that as well. Hmm...
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Confession
There is something that I feel I need to confess. Most people is under the impression that I think a lot. Something that is logical to assume, as I do not talk a lot, and I am intelligent, and there is the reading I do constantly as well. Unfortunately it is not true, just because I do have a brain does not mean that I use it.
Some people know that I have 'blank spots'. Moments when I do not register the world around me, moments that I am in a 'pause' state; with just the knowledge afterwards that time is missing. But now I have to confess to more than that, I have to confess that I am in a 'screensaver' mode most of my life.
Most of the time I am 'away'. It is as if I am bored, and my thoughts are not with what I am busy doing, but somewhere else, planning something different, or remembering something else. The only difference is, I am not involved with that, I am left living this part while most of 'me' is off somewhere else.
There is this joke that men is always just thinking of either sex or food. I know that I can only think of one thing at a time, and most of the time I worry about my purpose in life. Why am I here, why do I feel this way, why is there nothing stable or constant in my life, why do I keep on doing things I do not like doing, why do I care so much about other people's perceptions, why are there no answers I am happy with, why do I keep on struggling?
There is no room, no time for other thoughts, no insights, nothing to make me special. Luckily I read a lot, so I can take other people's words and use it to impress the people around me. I can use my intellect to convince others that I do think. And most of the time I am content with that. But confession is good for the soul, and I would like to have one, so I write this down, and feel that it means something, that maybe, it means something not just to me.
Thinking. Next time you see somebody 'thinking', remember me, and realize that it may just be, as in my case, a single thought rushing around, terrified of the big, empty space.
Some people know that I have 'blank spots'. Moments when I do not register the world around me, moments that I am in a 'pause' state; with just the knowledge afterwards that time is missing. But now I have to confess to more than that, I have to confess that I am in a 'screensaver' mode most of my life.
Most of the time I am 'away'. It is as if I am bored, and my thoughts are not with what I am busy doing, but somewhere else, planning something different, or remembering something else. The only difference is, I am not involved with that, I am left living this part while most of 'me' is off somewhere else.
There is this joke that men is always just thinking of either sex or food. I know that I can only think of one thing at a time, and most of the time I worry about my purpose in life. Why am I here, why do I feel this way, why is there nothing stable or constant in my life, why do I keep on doing things I do not like doing, why do I care so much about other people's perceptions, why are there no answers I am happy with, why do I keep on struggling?
There is no room, no time for other thoughts, no insights, nothing to make me special. Luckily I read a lot, so I can take other people's words and use it to impress the people around me. I can use my intellect to convince others that I do think. And most of the time I am content with that. But confession is good for the soul, and I would like to have one, so I write this down, and feel that it means something, that maybe, it means something not just to me.
Thinking. Next time you see somebody 'thinking', remember me, and realize that it may just be, as in my case, a single thought rushing around, terrified of the big, empty space.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Faith
Have you ever wondered about the meaning of this word that is the cornerstone of all religions?
Complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Belief that is not based on proof. For some reason I am starting to take a very good look at this word, and the meaning it has in my life.
I am starting to wonder about the many things in my life I have faith in. Not things I believe in, only the things I have faith in. Things that I believe in without any proof. Something that is more difficult than I imagined, because I have to look at the 'proof' I have with a discerning eye. Is it proof I trust, or is it proof I use on faith from somebody else? Thinking like this can force one to go catatonic or even worse, giving it up as impossible. Unfortunately somebody has got to do it, and nobody else will do it for me.
Maybe I doubt my faith because I do not have complete trust. Trust at specific times, in specific circumstances, yes, but complete trust is not something that I can claim for myself. Not in anything. Doubt is part of my daily life, part of my thoughts, and part of my every action. Everything in my life is infused with doubt, and I am sick and tired of being ruled by doubt. I need to get rid of most of it, because some doubt is always a good thing, but overriding doubt is just crippling me.
I don’t have much hope of achieving anything at all, but hope is like cockroaches; no matter how hard you try, as soon as you let go for a second one scuttles by as a reminder that you are not infallible. Hope. At least I still have hope. Or do I just have faith in hope?
And now for something completely different.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Not much, but at least it is different.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Scared selfless
I remember myself as a young man. Full of dreams, full of ideas, ready to make the world a better place. (For me, at least; if other do not have the ability to enjoy what I provide, it is their loss.)
Many years later I look at my life and cringe. I fell into the most basic of traps, and now live for others. My life is not my own, my time is not my own, my thoughts are not my own, my soul is all alone, and wondering where the rest of me went.
I feel like a thief when I want something for myself. I have to ask other people for the privilege of spending my time the way I want to, and then I am in debt to them, owing them for the 'favour'. More and more I find that I must share mine, but I am not allowed to receive from others. I must be happy to give, and this joy must be enough for me.
Scared selfless. I thought I was better than this, intelligent enough to protect myself somehow.
Unfortunately I am a person that think a lot before doing anything at all. Usually when only extreme measures are still viable. How afraid am I really?
Many years later I look at my life and cringe. I fell into the most basic of traps, and now live for others. My life is not my own, my time is not my own, my thoughts are not my own, my soul is all alone, and wondering where the rest of me went.
I feel like a thief when I want something for myself. I have to ask other people for the privilege of spending my time the way I want to, and then I am in debt to them, owing them for the 'favour'. More and more I find that I must share mine, but I am not allowed to receive from others. I must be happy to give, and this joy must be enough for me.
Scared selfless. I thought I was better than this, intelligent enough to protect myself somehow.
Unfortunately I am a person that think a lot before doing anything at all. Usually when only extreme measures are still viable. How afraid am I really?
Thursday, 14 February 2013
God died in 1985
The multiverse did not disappear, so I just went into denial.
I was reminded of this fact every now and then, but it just became easier to deny every time. Not easier to handle, these reminders, but I just took them as a personal attack, which it mostly is, and built my life around it.
I am talking about my view of God, not about yours. Yours may still be strutting around, granting you a miracle every now and then, a stern warning when much needed, a helping hand after a bit of inattention from his side, but that is between you. Not applicable or relevant at all. This is my blog and I'll cry and rant and sob if I want to.
At the moment I am finally realizing that God is dead. My God that looked over me since birth, that would always be there, even when everybody and everything else failed to do so; died years ago and I have been trying to cope with this fact since then.
It leaves a stale taste in my mouth, realizing that society provided a fake god for me to fill the gap, and I mostly did not notice the difference. All of my adult life I lived a lie, something I knew deep down to be completely fake, and I am still kind of 'agreeable' with it.
Lots of things to process, lots of time to do it in. Maybe. I am not sure if I am ready for the fact that this is a once-off thing. No heaven, no immortal soul, no afterlife, no judgement, just this life, now.
Emotions are still fighting to find out which one is strongest. I may become emotional within the next few weeks if there is a winner. Watch this space for more. Or not...
I was reminded of this fact every now and then, but it just became easier to deny every time. Not easier to handle, these reminders, but I just took them as a personal attack, which it mostly is, and built my life around it.
I am talking about my view of God, not about yours. Yours may still be strutting around, granting you a miracle every now and then, a stern warning when much needed, a helping hand after a bit of inattention from his side, but that is between you. Not applicable or relevant at all. This is my blog and I'll cry and rant and sob if I want to.
At the moment I am finally realizing that God is dead. My God that looked over me since birth, that would always be there, even when everybody and everything else failed to do so; died years ago and I have been trying to cope with this fact since then.
It leaves a stale taste in my mouth, realizing that society provided a fake god for me to fill the gap, and I mostly did not notice the difference. All of my adult life I lived a lie, something I knew deep down to be completely fake, and I am still kind of 'agreeable' with it.
Lots of things to process, lots of time to do it in. Maybe. I am not sure if I am ready for the fact that this is a once-off thing. No heaven, no immortal soul, no afterlife, no judgement, just this life, now.
Emotions are still fighting to find out which one is strongest. I may become emotional within the next few weeks if there is a winner. Watch this space for more. Or not...
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
Using the Gautrain and public transport/
The gautrain is not built for Africans. I cringe every time I am seated in an isle seat and new passengers come bumping down the isle. Some of these big ladies cart around a bag with two or three bowling balls in it as well, and they are not afraid to swing them around. That will teach me for having shoulders wider than the seat.
Everything on the gautrain, however, is bliss in comparison to the Tswane bus service that I must use to get to the gautrain. The bus that I always took at 05H10 is no longer running, because there are not enough busses to serve the whole of Tswane. Most afternoons I stand and wait for a Tswane bus from 16H45 till 18H10, because there are no money to maintain the busses.
I wonder if there is a way to force the people in public office to make use of the public transport. Make sense, doesn't it? If they are elected to serve the public, they must be part of that public to know how to serve us. What better way to meet and be part of the public every day than to stand in queues every day, waiting for busses that never pitch, phoning around for lifts, walking to other routes to just find a way to get to work? I am sure that the money saved on official transport will help a lot, and other money will suddenly become available to fix this big problem.
Unfortunately I fear it is already much too late. In trying to uplift the masses, we allowed ourselves to be pulled down, and they are not prepared to let go. If they cannot soar, then at least they can prevent us from flying. It is the least they can do...
Everything on the gautrain, however, is bliss in comparison to the Tswane bus service that I must use to get to the gautrain. The bus that I always took at 05H10 is no longer running, because there are not enough busses to serve the whole of Tswane. Most afternoons I stand and wait for a Tswane bus from 16H45 till 18H10, because there are no money to maintain the busses.
I wonder if there is a way to force the people in public office to make use of the public transport. Make sense, doesn't it? If they are elected to serve the public, they must be part of that public to know how to serve us. What better way to meet and be part of the public every day than to stand in queues every day, waiting for busses that never pitch, phoning around for lifts, walking to other routes to just find a way to get to work? I am sure that the money saved on official transport will help a lot, and other money will suddenly become available to fix this big problem.
Unfortunately I fear it is already much too late. In trying to uplift the masses, we allowed ourselves to be pulled down, and they are not prepared to let go. If they cannot soar, then at least they can prevent us from flying. It is the least they can do...
Monday, 4 February 2013
Working at a corporate institution.
There is a reason why it is called an institution, and most people working at one never think about it.
I am contracting at one of the banks, and after contracting at an international firm for seven years, it feels as if there is this big gap between the section I am working for, and the rest of the bank. I sometimes wonder if the rest of the bank is based in another reality, with requests that are entered via email being read somewhere and painstakingly copied down on something very durable. This is then transported by Kevin Costner-like postmen accros the border into this alternate reality, where he wanders from office to office, delivering all these messages.
The answers, when they are ready, are then returned by another postman, scanned and used to generate a return-email. Because nobody is supposed to know about this, only top management is involved, and this leads to all the problems, because we all know that top management is useless, right?
When I look at the inefficienct way most things are done, at the waste of money, the lack of control, I am sure that most polititians started their careers at one of these institutions. It will explain a lot.
I am contracting at one of the banks, and after contracting at an international firm for seven years, it feels as if there is this big gap between the section I am working for, and the rest of the bank. I sometimes wonder if the rest of the bank is based in another reality, with requests that are entered via email being read somewhere and painstakingly copied down on something very durable. This is then transported by Kevin Costner-like postmen accros the border into this alternate reality, where he wanders from office to office, delivering all these messages.
The answers, when they are ready, are then returned by another postman, scanned and used to generate a return-email. Because nobody is supposed to know about this, only top management is involved, and this leads to all the problems, because we all know that top management is useless, right?
When I look at the inefficienct way most things are done, at the waste of money, the lack of control, I am sure that most polititians started their careers at one of these institutions. It will explain a lot.
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Cause and Effect
Unlike most people, I am not so sure that the one always follow the other.
I have no proof, and cannot have proof that will ever convince anybody. How will it be possible to convince anybody that I needed the proof, so it was created for me? No sane, logical person will ever be convinced.
Just because I have done this myself, and realized what happened, do I know that this is true. Anybody can do this, and I do believe that it is happening the whole time. We are all changing history, rewriting it in our memories and in others', and it is not unchanging as everybody assumes. Unfortunately I have no way of convincing you, as it is nothing more than just a theory of mine. One I believe in, mostly because it fits in with a lot of other views and theories I have, mostly also unproven.
Have you ever had stuff just falling in place, so smoothly that you only realize the chances against it happening in that way specific afterwards? I always believed that you influenced events as they happen, that you 'stack the odds' in your favour because you need a specific outcome. Now I think/wonder if things are not set in place, because you need that specific outcome. Things change, in the past, to suit the required outcome, making it the logical conclusion.
I first started thinking about this because of some 'inconsistencies' in my memory. Small things that suddenly differed from the way I remembered them. Things that bothered nobody else, because they are so insignificant. The colour of a ball; the name of a generic product; the exact wording of a sentence in a book. Something that indicates significant changes in the world around me, but may just be a mismatch in my memory, two memories getting mixed up, creating one new, wrong memory.
This may be all that is happening. This may be all a figment of my imagination. For now, I choose to believe that it may be true, that it is the way the world I live in, that I believe surrounds me, is working. For now, I may be completely misguided, living a delusional life, believing the same type of crap I sneer at privately when people share their beliefs with me.
Can we all be right? Are we all creating the world we live in in our own twisted little brain, having only the faintest resemblance with the 'true' world out there? I wonder, and try to imagine it. Can you?
I have no proof, and cannot have proof that will ever convince anybody. How will it be possible to convince anybody that I needed the proof, so it was created for me? No sane, logical person will ever be convinced.
Just because I have done this myself, and realized what happened, do I know that this is true. Anybody can do this, and I do believe that it is happening the whole time. We are all changing history, rewriting it in our memories and in others', and it is not unchanging as everybody assumes. Unfortunately I have no way of convincing you, as it is nothing more than just a theory of mine. One I believe in, mostly because it fits in with a lot of other views and theories I have, mostly also unproven.
Have you ever had stuff just falling in place, so smoothly that you only realize the chances against it happening in that way specific afterwards? I always believed that you influenced events as they happen, that you 'stack the odds' in your favour because you need a specific outcome. Now I think/wonder if things are not set in place, because you need that specific outcome. Things change, in the past, to suit the required outcome, making it the logical conclusion.
I first started thinking about this because of some 'inconsistencies' in my memory. Small things that suddenly differed from the way I remembered them. Things that bothered nobody else, because they are so insignificant. The colour of a ball; the name of a generic product; the exact wording of a sentence in a book. Something that indicates significant changes in the world around me, but may just be a mismatch in my memory, two memories getting mixed up, creating one new, wrong memory.
This may be all that is happening. This may be all a figment of my imagination. For now, I choose to believe that it may be true, that it is the way the world I live in, that I believe surrounds me, is working. For now, I may be completely misguided, living a delusional life, believing the same type of crap I sneer at privately when people share their beliefs with me.
Can we all be right? Are we all creating the world we live in in our own twisted little brain, having only the faintest resemblance with the 'true' world out there? I wonder, and try to imagine it. Can you?
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Weereens 'n begin.
Eens op 'n tyd het ek baie geblog. Dit vreeslik geniet, want die idee van blogging was nuut, mense het oor die interessantse onderwerpe geskryf en gesels, en ek het met soveel 'nuwe' idees kennis gemaak, dat ek gevoel het dat dit net die regte ding is om my brein weer aan die gang te kry.
En vir 'n hele ruk het dit gewerk...
Daar was verskeie redes waarom ek ophou blog het, met die belangrikste heel waarskynlik dat ek belangstelling verloor het. Baie mense het opgehou omdat sommige geen respek vir ander mense het nie, of omdat hulle aangeval is deur mense wat nie kan insien dat "Die Waarheid" van oomblik tot oomblik mag verander nie. Ek het egter my sê gesê, en kon aan niks meer dink om te deel nie. Mors van tyd om aan te gaan, nie waar nie?
Nou mag daar dalk weer rede wees om te begin blog. Ek het weer 'n paar idees wat rondskommel in my kop, goed wat 'n ruk lank al werk om deur hierdie kopbeen van my te sypel en net wag vir hulle paar oomblikke in die son, voor dit weer Winter word, met net die belofte van lewe wat my deur die maer jare laat worstel.
Ek het nou begin om in Afrikaans te skryf, maar sommige idees het die taal van die antichris nodig om gedeel te word met ander. Dit is nie dat Afrikaans nie opgewasse is daarvoor nie, maar eerder dat dit in 'n ander taal as die moedertaal geuiter moet word, sodat dit nog vanaf 'n afstand besigtig moet word voordat dit dalk, per ongeluk, deel word van my wêreldbeskouing.
Ja, ja, ja. 'n Blog oor wat in my kop aangaan, oor hoe ek die wêreld ervaar, oor wat vir my belangrik is. Soos ek al soveel keer vertel is, die binnekant van my koppie is te klein en te donker om mense se aandag te trek of te hou. Dit het my egter nie vroëer gestop nie, en dit gaan ook nie die keer nie. Ek doen die blog eerstens vir myself, tweedens vir myself, derdens vir myself, en dan is dit vreeslik lekker om te sien dat ander dit ook so af en toe lees. Nog lekkerder as ek sien jy kom terug om weer die volgende stuk te lees, maar as ek niks het om te deel nie, gaan ek meestal niks plaas net om jou tevrede te hou nie. Dit mag egter so af en toe gebeur, en dit gaan dalk die rede wees waarom sommige mense terugkom. Om die kommersiële snert te lees.
Vir eers is dit egter genoeg. Sal weer, as ek iets het om te deel, dit hier kom saai. Tot dan, mag jy opgewasse wees vir die uitdagings wat vir jou wag...
En vir 'n hele ruk het dit gewerk...
Daar was verskeie redes waarom ek ophou blog het, met die belangrikste heel waarskynlik dat ek belangstelling verloor het. Baie mense het opgehou omdat sommige geen respek vir ander mense het nie, of omdat hulle aangeval is deur mense wat nie kan insien dat "Die Waarheid" van oomblik tot oomblik mag verander nie. Ek het egter my sê gesê, en kon aan niks meer dink om te deel nie. Mors van tyd om aan te gaan, nie waar nie?
Nou mag daar dalk weer rede wees om te begin blog. Ek het weer 'n paar idees wat rondskommel in my kop, goed wat 'n ruk lank al werk om deur hierdie kopbeen van my te sypel en net wag vir hulle paar oomblikke in die son, voor dit weer Winter word, met net die belofte van lewe wat my deur die maer jare laat worstel.
Ek het nou begin om in Afrikaans te skryf, maar sommige idees het die taal van die antichris nodig om gedeel te word met ander. Dit is nie dat Afrikaans nie opgewasse is daarvoor nie, maar eerder dat dit in 'n ander taal as die moedertaal geuiter moet word, sodat dit nog vanaf 'n afstand besigtig moet word voordat dit dalk, per ongeluk, deel word van my wêreldbeskouing.
Ja, ja, ja. 'n Blog oor wat in my kop aangaan, oor hoe ek die wêreld ervaar, oor wat vir my belangrik is. Soos ek al soveel keer vertel is, die binnekant van my koppie is te klein en te donker om mense se aandag te trek of te hou. Dit het my egter nie vroëer gestop nie, en dit gaan ook nie die keer nie. Ek doen die blog eerstens vir myself, tweedens vir myself, derdens vir myself, en dan is dit vreeslik lekker om te sien dat ander dit ook so af en toe lees. Nog lekkerder as ek sien jy kom terug om weer die volgende stuk te lees, maar as ek niks het om te deel nie, gaan ek meestal niks plaas net om jou tevrede te hou nie. Dit mag egter so af en toe gebeur, en dit gaan dalk die rede wees waarom sommige mense terugkom. Om die kommersiële snert te lees.
Vir eers is dit egter genoeg. Sal weer, as ek iets het om te deel, dit hier kom saai. Tot dan, mag jy opgewasse wees vir die uitdagings wat vir jou wag...
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